Single, week twenty five.
Two weeks, yet again.
I really don’t feel like writing today, so sorry if this post is lame.
I have been learning a lot about myself in the last couple of weeks. I have realized my priorities are more off than I had thought. I have still been too focused on guys, although I have been getting back to a place where I am growing in my relationship with God again. I have prayed that God take the things out of my life that are keeping me from focusing on Him. It had never crossed my mind that the answer to that request could be losing a good friendship (*not losing a friendship entirely). Through a conversation with this friend, I realized how much value I had been placing on the friendship. We both have agreed that the best choice in this situation is to remain friends, but not to be as close as we have been. It stinks that I have to back off of a good friendship, but I am happy that God is drawing me closer to Him.
I have also been praying that God changes my heart to more genuinely care about people. I find that I don’t typically take the time to ask people how they are doing, and I want to do that. I hate leaving conversations feeling like I am the only one who shared about how I am doing. I have seen small changes, and am excited to see what God does in this area of my life.
Ephesians 2 has come up a few times these past couple of weeks, along with other verses that are great reminders of the fact that I am saved by grace, and not by works. I think I have been living lately as if that were not true. I know it in my head as a fact, but sometimes I don’t allow it to become my identity. Christ has made me new by His choice, not by anything I have or could ever do. Allowing this fact to be heart knowledge, and not just head knowledge, has really changed my view of myself. I had been feeling unworthy, ugly, and unlovable (to a degree). This past week, however, I have liked who I am, at least more than I have been.
One of the places this was brought up was at a group prayer time the church has on Sunday nights. Last Sunday (not last night) I got a text from a friend asking if I was going to prayer. I wasn’t planning on going, but I wasn’t really doing anything, so I went. On my way there, I thought of a number of things I could focus on. I decided to go with my low self-image, since that has been a problem for me in the past. God spoke through those who prayed for me into the other areas I was considering prayer for. I love the way He works! It is interesting to me how we can remain in the dark about a problem so long simply because we don’t address it as a problem.
I have also had two really cool images come to mind.
the first was during prayer on Sunday. Jesus and I were standing in an open area in a forest. I had a lot of boxes behind me. The boxes were full of all my crap- every broken part of me, every sin I have ever committed, every time I turned from Christ. They were so full, a lot of them were still open. Jesus stood in front of me, took all my boxes, and put them behind Him. All that was left behind me was the brightest white light.
The other image I had come to mind was during worship on Thursday. We were singing Awake My Soul ( http://youtu.be/U7DcySekLKY ) I had this image of Jesus and I dancing in a meadow. Ok, so that may sound like the cheesiest thing ever, but really think about it. Your Father, who embodied Himself to die for your sins and make you a new creation, alive in Him, is outside in the most beautiful place you have ever seen, and you are dancing together in celebration. It was something of what I hope heaven will be like.
A lot of the songs I have been listening to lately have felt like celebration songs. It is a strange and wonderful feeling to celebrate God. I have never felt worship this way. I would like to understand how to worship in ways other than singing songs. I love this form of worship, but I know our lifestyles and choices can be acts of worship. I want to understand this more.
I am really excited for what this year will bring, and where god will lead me, as well as the church and my friends/family. I had a feeling last semester that it was going to be an emotionally difficult semester, but that it would be good. Last semester I learned the value of transparency, and was able to finally change my dating habits. I have grown so much, and I am beyond glad that I did not get married before. I am happy that I have the chance to do what I actually want to do, and to learn what I really want out of life, and in a life partner. I am excited for this year because I feel like it’s going to be a good year. I am not quite sure what that means, but I have really positive feelings about it.
Well, sorry if that was a little jumbled or whatever. I am just not in a writing mood today.
P.S. prayer requests- I have been documenting my dreams because I have really vivid and sometimes scary dreams, so please pray that God would make it apparent whether this is a gift, or something I need to ignore or pray against. Also, the Peace Corps/ mission work has come up quite a bit the last two weeks. Please pray that if this is the direction I am being led in, that that becomes apparent also.
Please feel free to send me your prayer requests, ways God has moved in your life, or ANYTHING else you would like to share with me. You should be able to post anonymously if you would prefer me not knowing who is talking to me :)
Made Alive in Christ
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.