Thoughts of mine

You cannot fill this void. I cannot ask you to. I’ve tried in vain to let you be what you cannot be. What once was seen as struggle has transformed into choice, liberating for one, and for another, heartbreaking. Sitting restlessly somewhere between peace and insanity I cry out to Him “please take this cup from me…” Not out of the friend zone, yet not truly just friends, I end up with labels like “best friend” and “closest to me.” Wanting to be more and less simultaneously, fighting to find footing on the balance beam neither too far left nor too right, writing poems you may never see, trying to air out the emotion overwhelming, and yet it’s not enough. Only time can unwind the ever so crowded thoughts in my mind, trying to follow His will instead of mine as words like “lonely” and “patient” don’t seem to really describe the bipolar waves of feelings crashing over each other inside me. Wanting you to change your mind, to be mine, but at the same time to fail, to break my frail heart, so that I will see how broken I already am, so that I will fully understand the desperation in my situation, so that I will see the need for His grace to surround me, to cover all of my insecurities, all of my inequities, all of my insanity so that I can see His love above my desire for yours.

Only You can fill this void. Yet I cannot ask of You what You’ve already freely given. I try in vain to be good enough, to be something I cannot be. Your lifelong struggle was always Your choice, life-giving for those who turn to You, and for the others, my heart is breaking. Pacing restlessly somewhere between peace and insanity I try to comprehend what it really means that you bore that cup for me… Back and forth between the frying pan and the fire, I try to fix my problems with “I’ll try harder” and “Maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away.” Struggling to be more and less simultaneously, I look to You to find footing on the balance beam neither too close to legalism, nor too far from grace, trying to let Your love be overwhelming because I know that You will always be enough. In time I will unwind the binding thoughts in my mind, freeing myself to follow Your will and abandon mine, letting go of the bipolar waves of “lonely” and “patient” so Your love can fill everything inside me. Forever changing my mind, falling back from Your will to follow mine, and every time failing, watching my frail heart breaking, coming to the end of me, seeing how broken I really am, understanding the desperation in my situation I cry out for Your grace to surround me, covering all the lies of insecurities, inequities, insanity, allowing You to strengthen my love for you above my desire for anything else.

This is possibly my last post on this blog. I haven’t thought of anything I feel strongly enough to continue to post about, and I am working on limiting my Internet time anyway. If I really think about why I have all of these social media sites, it’s for selfish reasons. I don’t care about what other people post unless it is funny or benefits me in some way, and what I care about most is if someone likes MY picture or MY status or MY tweet. In reality, it doesn’t matter.
So I finished my year technically on Monday. I wasn’t feeling like I was where I wanted to be in regards to how I felt about being single. I wasn’t suddenly desperate or excited that I could go find a boyfriend. I wasn’t even sad that God hasn’t brought someone into my life in a romantic way. I was just sort of melancholy in general, and that made me a little… Pessimistic? About everything I suppose. I think the weather and my busy schedule had a lot to do with it. I have realized that I have overloaded my schedule a bit again, and am planning on cutting out a commitment that I have one night a week. The hard part for me will be to let that night be my time to do what I need to do to be emotionally healthy. I like to fill up my time with people and commitments, but sometimes I forget that I need a little time for me.
So throughout this year, I have often been asked what I have learned by being single intentionally. That’s a bit of a loaded question :) but I will try to summarize what I feel I have learned the most.
1) It’s not over. My year of being intentionally single did not make me suddenly ready for the perfect relationship. There is no such thing, btw. Disney movies are cartoons. They are not real life. Basically, ignore anything that ends with “happily ever after”. Don’t read too much into that though. Relationships are intended to be happy, but because we are humans and we are broken and often times selfish, relationships will also be hard. You have to find someone you are willing to work through the tough stuff with. This past year has given me a more realistic view of what a relationship should be.
2) I have to let God be God. This is still something that I struggle with and will continue to struggle with. I have a bad habit of putting too much energy into a guy and not allowing God to be my everything. I can’t allow a guy, whether friend or more than friend, to be responsible for my happiness, my stability, my comfort. Sure, he can provide me those things, but I have a tendency to look to him for that, instead of to God. For example, my first thought when a panic attack starts is often “I should call this person” and not “I need to pray”.
3) Singleness is a gift. What a stereotypical Christianese phrase, right? Well, yes, but I have come to understand its truth. There are so many things I can do because I am single, and so many blessings about this time that I will not have being in a relationship. The biggest blessing for me is time. I am at a point in my life where I can go anywhere and do what I feel God leading me to do without having to think about anyone else too much. I don’t have to include anyone in my future plans right now. There is a certain amount of freedom in having time to myself in a way. I get to decide what to do with MY time, instead of having to come to an agreement about what to do with “our” time. I will want to include someone else in all of my time and future plans later on, but until then, I will enjoy my time.
4) Peace with being the weaker sex. Just kidding. Mostly. I do have a peace about where I believe my role should be in a relationship, and where I want it to be. I was always the one to lead the relationship, and I don’t want to do that anymore. Now, that doesn’t mean I want to find a guy to boss me around or anything. If you know me well enough, you know that won’t happen. It is Biblical for the man to lead the relationship, and that was something I had a hard time with understanding for a while. It makes a bit more sense to me now, although I’m no expert in the matter. I still see a relationship as a 50-50 thing. I’m great with words today…. Whatever… I can’t think of a coherent way to write this out. If you have questions, please don’t assume what I’m thinking, just ask me :)
5) Another question people are asking now that the year is over is “do you like anyone?”
Wouldn’t you like to know ;)

Well, that’s it I guess. Part of me feels weird not keeping this up anymore, but unless I can say it isn’t for a self-serving reaction from others, I won’t start another blog. I am considering doing one about Portland. Maybe a vlog. Don’t get your hopes up, M ;)

Is it surprising that I haven’t gotten the hang of the update-your-blog-weekly thing? I hope not. 

Week fifty one

So I have only about a page and a half from three weeks ago in my journal. It about anxiety and blahblahblah. I was wondering if I should go to Spain this summer, or if I should pull myself from the team because of my anxiety. I am trying to remember three weeks ago, but if I don’t write it down then it’s all but lost.  Looking through my calendar to try to remember what was happening that week makes me realize maybe the business had barely started that week, considering I hadn’t wanted top remind myself to do things.  

Week fifty two

This week there’s more in my journal. A whole page more. However, most of what is written was dedicated to a dream that I’d had, so I actually have less that I will be writing about.  I guess I am not writing about any of it actually…

Somewhere within these two weeks a friend and I finished season five (season one for me…I am not going to try to catch up with all of it) of Dr. Who :) i like it, although I am still not a huge television fan. 

Week fifty three

There has been a lot going on this past week (and in the two weeks before, i just don’t remember enough detail to discuss it).  I have been spreading myself thin, which is something I have done multiple times before.  I want to do a lot of things, and they are good things, but I end up doing too many good things and not leaving time for (or making time for) being with Jesus, which in turn leaves me with the wrong heart/motivations for doing the good things I want to do. Following my run on sentences? Great! So this past week has been a little bit of a struggle for me. I was really tired due to allergies and monthly (or whatever it is with my internal clock) stuff. I was exhausted all the time, not matter how much I slept, which became pretty frustrating after a couple of days.  I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything, but I still had to do stuff.  

Another thing that was pretty frustrating was my emotional stuff.  I just felt really sensitive for a few days, and because of my normal emotional level, a few days of high sensitivity can feel like an eternity. I get frustrated because I feel like if I don’t want to be around myself, then other people aren’t going to want to be around me.  But that always passes, and I am doing good now. 

I have spring break next week, then one month until I am done with school. I am ready for it to be over. I am ready to do something else, to be stretched and grown in different ways by God, to move on.  It is interesting how God moves us into different places physically, but prepares us emotionally as well. I am not worried about transitioning into “real-adult-life.”  I know God knows what He is doing.  

I am not feeling very open tonight.  I think I just need a break.  I have been filling all my time with things to do, and haven’t been making time to be still.  Hopefully next week I will have more to say. It will be my last “single” blog entry.  I haven’t decided if I should continue writing or not.  I know a few people who read this silly thing, and I think that’s pretty cool. I always feel special when my friends tell me they read this, but I don’t know what I would write about.  Should I start a “year of” something else?  Should I just update you with my life in general? It almost feels weird to not write in here now…. maybe I should start a video blog. A vlog. No one would watch that. No one should watch that…. 

Who knows… maybe I will add it to the list of things I will be praying about more intentionally over the next few weeks and months.  If you have an opinion, I value it. Let me know what you think :) 

I didnt update last week because I was still dealing with some of the anxiety junk. I don’t have much to write about from two weeks ago, but I know I am having more quiet time. I have been reminded time and time again over the last couple of weeks that I can’t be there for people if I don’t let God be there for me first. The thing is, I have to initiate that conversation. God isn’t going to call my cell phone. He’s not going to show up at my front door with his suitcase & set up some sort of “emotional workshop” in my living room, (as much as I’d like Him to). I have to work on a discipline of spending time with Him. Two weeks ago, I was less anxious. The past few days, spending time with God has brought joy. I feel like myself again. I feel alive. I know some people who read this might think, “great, if that’s what works for you.” To that I’d say try it ;) to really give your life over to God brings pain, sure. But if you really think about it, that pain is already there. It’s just buried under all the “I’m ok”s and the “just don’t think about it”s . Allowing God to get to the pain to heal it is going to hurt, but the joy and peace that can only come from Him healing that pain is worth anything. I feel a bit redundant talking about this ;) do you get the point yet?
Anywhooo
Quiet time has actually been kinda…. I don’t know. Weird I guess. I haven’t wanted to read. I haven’t written too much. It’s been mostly music and just learning to sit with God, which is pretty cool. I just feel like I’ve read enough books. I just want to spend time with the Jesus I have grown to actually love. (If that statement makes no sense, think about how much you actually LOVE Jesus. How much does that love actually shape what you do?) I am not saying I am super great at following Jesus the way we are called to (I actually really suck at it, but God’s pretty cool & He uses sucky for His glory). I am learning to let go of trying, though. I am letting go of doing things on my own. Phrases like “I’m going to be better about…” Or “I need to be doing more of….” Get rid of those! Replace them with trusting in God’s sovereignty, praying when you are upset that He would reveal the real reasons you are upset, and trusting in Him to change you from the inside out.
John 15:5 “I am the vine and you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart form me you can do nothing.”
Apart from Christ, you will not be successful. Because of Christ, and following His will, we are capable of more than is imaginable. I have seen it, read it, heard it, and lived it. If you haven’t ever had a conversation with God, try it, even if you are yelling (He can take it). BUT, if you do, try to listen. It may take a little while, but God is a living, life changing God. Turn to Him and He won’t let you go. He loves you more than you could ever know.

That may have sounded kinda preachy, but I’m going to leave it. The whole time I have been writing this update I have been thinking about the people I’ve never met who follow me because of previous posts. I don’t know who all reads this, or who all ever will, but I feel like people need to hear how much God loves them. Maybe one person in particular…. Who knows! So, sorry if it sounds preachy, but it’s on my heart to leave it there this time.

Sme super awesome songs I’ve heard this week:
The more I seek you (Kari Job)
I saw the light (David Crowder) *if you want a song full of joy, check this one out. It’s great
Soooo many other ones courtesy of my new friend….none of which I can remember right now…

Send me random things! I’d love to heard from all you fellow tumblr(er?)s and not-so-tumblry ones :)

I am finding this blog more and more pointless. When I started it, I suppose it was mostly a way of keeping myself accountable? I’m not really sure why I started writing this. It seemed significant at the time. Maybe I just wanted it to be, like if people read it, then I’d feel important.  Maybe it still is significant and I just don’t feel like it is. Maybe I feel like I am now being too transparent…but I don’t really know how to live any other way, nor do I want to. If I am not open, I keep things bottled up and begin to believe the lies….No one cares. No one wants to hear what I am struggling with. But I know the truth. I know there is freedom in honesty and transparency. This update may make little to no sense. My head has been kinda jumbled up lately. Maybe this should be less chronological, and just more…. Whatever.

Last update (or recently-ish at some point) I’d mentioned a guy I was having feelings for again.  I talked with a few friends about it and God spoke through those conversations.  He told me again what He originally had said about this person- wait on My timing.  With the way I feel about him now, I’m not sure anything will happen, and I am alright with that.  Whatever happens, whoever I may or may not end up with, I will do my best to turn to God first.

I have not been reading, praying, talking to God, or having any kind of quiet time regularly for a long time. I can’t seem to get into a decent habit of it. I get to a point where I avoid it because I know it could bring up pain I’ve tried to burry (which, semi-ironically, stems from not spending any time with God in the first place).  My anxiety has been higher lately, my ability to love others lower, and my logic response to things has many times been over-taken by my emotions.  I’ve come to a place in life where I understand most of my emotions, but I can’t necessarily control them. I know that my irritability and high stress lately is because of how little time I have spent with Christ. And I know because it changes when I spend even just an hour in prayer and praise.  

WARNING: girly topic ahead. Boys, if you want to skip to the “END WARNING” section, feel free.

My…”emotional” time of the month usually makes it more difficult for me to respond logically to most situations (duh, stupid girl, right? There is a point to this, I promise). So, the last week has been kinda sucky because of the anxiety coupled with the already-wanting-to-cry-out-of-seemingly-nowhere crap.  I have amazing friends and I could never say how thankful I am for their willingness to listen to what seems like the same story every month (well, three weeks at this point).  I was telling a couple of friends of mine that I was considering going back on the pill (I was on it before, just to regulate the hormones).  They assured me they didn’t want me to go on it for their sakes, and I am thankful for that as well.  I hate the pill. I hate not caring about anything. I hate wanting to throw up all the time. My body didn’t respond well to it in some respects.  I was less emotional for a while on it, but it almost wasn’t worth feeling the way I did. I didn’t feel like me.  I am choosing to remain off of it for the time being, unless I hear otherwise from God.  I know He can take it away, but I also know that sometimes He allows a certain amount of pain to stay so that we learn to rely on Him.  Please pray that I stop trying to figure out what His plan is, and that I learn how to truly put my faith in Him with this. 

END WARNING

I went to a prayer time at church Sunday night for my anxiety.  I won’t go into detail about what all was prayed for, but I can say it was an amazing time. God revealed some things to continue to pray over that may help with the anxiety, and I experienced His joy yet again. I wish I could just hand that joy to so many people, but I know it can only come from Him, and I pray that I can point enough to Him that at least one other person will feel that kind of joy and the peace that tends to come with it.

For anyone who is reading this and thinking “OMG I have to call her, she’s not ok, she’s freaking out” PUT THE PHONE DOWN. I am ok. I am better than ok. I know it may not sound like it at the moment, but read the blog entry again.  God knows what He is doing, don’t forget to read that part. He has told me more than once, and through more than one person praying that He will NOT let me fall off the edge of the cliff, He will NOT let me go crazy. He has me in His hands and He will not let me go. He is with me through every panic attack, every lie that starts to sink in, every time I just feel sad. And I have people who remind me of that constantly.  Please do not worry that I won’t be ok.  Trust in God’s promises.  Trust that I am trusting in His promises and that I know that He will use this for His glory and His plans. 

Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

This song came on my Pandora as I was typing the last few parts of thias update and I felt it was fitting.   What Love is This by Kari Job

http://youtu.be/tv3E7DhitRU  «play this

You never change, You are the God You say You are 
When I’m afraid You calm and still my beating heart 
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought 
You take my pain 
And You lead me to the cross 

What love is this, that You gave Your life for me 
And made a way for me to know You 
And I confess You’re always enough for me 
You’re all I need 

I look to You 
I see the scars upon Your hands 
And hold the truth 
That when I can’t You always can 
I’m standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, I’m overwhelmed that I
Keep finding open arms 

What love is this that You gave Your life for me and made a way for me to 
Know You 
And I confess, You’re always enough for me 
You’re all I need 

Jesus in Your suffering, You were reaching; You thought of me 
Jesus in Your suffering, You were reaching; You thought of me 

What love is this, that You gave Your life for me 
And made a way for me to know You 
And I confess, You’re always enough for me 
You’re all I need 

What love is this, that You gave Your life for me 
And made a way for me to know You 
And I confess, You’re always enough for me 
Always enough for me 
Always enough for me

Week forty five
I felt really convicted this week about the way I spend my time. I don’t remember what exactly caused it. I think it was a combination of the book I am still reading (Crazy Love by Franis Chan) and the lives of some of my friends. Jesus did not come to this earth to give us comfortable lives in nice two story houses with the pool, the dog, and the luxury of “enough money to be comfortable,” a concept I believe is wildly distorted in American culture. I don’t think enough people understand that toilet paper is a luxury, let alone the Starbucks we always drink, the beauty products we buy (because the media is constantly telling us we need them), the cars we drive, the education we get, the food we throw away…. I could make this whole update a list of luxury items we take for granted, but I have other things to say, so I won’t. The point is, I feel convicted in the way I have been living my life. I have too much, when so many people have nothing. I sit in my apartment updating my blog on my iPad, giant mug of hot tea next to me, and enough income to keep the thermostat to the temperature I want it at, while so many people sit in dirt, freezing, unfed and barely clothed. And in the same city! How can I truly be a follower of Christ if I do not follow His example? I am tired of sitting around. I am tired of just talking about it. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted from the world,” James 1:27. “Learn to do right; seek justice; defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow,” Isaiah 1:17. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.”Matthew 23:22-24.
And these are only a few. Jesus makes it pretty clear that justice and mercy and serving are highly important. So why do we focus so much on only what John 3:16 preaches? I am not saying that verse is wrong, or should be overlooked in any way, please don’t misread these words. But I do believe there is too much emphasis on “a relationship with Christ is not about works.” A true statement can easily promote false thinking if it is not taught in full context. Christ is not concerned with your earning your way into heaven. If you have ever tried it, then you have probably had (or still have) that empty feeling, like nothing you do could ever be good enough. That’s because nothing you could ever do will be “good enough.” Jesus wants you to turn to Him, but the more I learn about Jesus and the more I live this life, the more I believe that truly following Christ means action. It is easy to know what to do & not to do it. Doing what Jesus calls us to is a hard choice, but I know if Jesus is the one calling me to it, it is a choice worth my life.
Please pray for me in this decision. I don’t know who all reads this crazy thought process of mine, or how much you know/believe about spiritual warfare, but I can tell you from experience that Satan does not want advancement in Jesus’ Kingdom. What that means for me in this situation is stuff like getting sick and having to skip opportunities to serve, or being more emotional than normal. Anything that would keep me from carrying out what I want to do to serve more and act more on my convictions. Please pray that I would be well Sunday mornings so that I can participate in a breakfast outreach my church does around town. Please pray for the group that seems to be forming to look into living like the book of Acts. Please pray for our safety and well being as we consider what it looks like for our lives to follow Jesus the way the disciples did after Jesus left earth.

Well that was more than I was thinking I would be sharing… Anywho, on to week forty six.
This week was challenging in old and familiar ways…which can really be more frustrating than new challenges. I hold grudges. Not terrible ones, not with everyone, not all the time, but I do. I can be quite unforgiving if I have been burned enough by a person. I am wrestling still with what it means to forgive and let go of something when I can’t really let go of the person. Some people who have hurt me, who I struggle with really forgiving, will not be gone from my life. It is easier to forgive people I don’t have to maintain relationships with. I think it is a good place to be, struggling with this, but it is beyond frustrating for this to still be a problem for me, not to mention embarrassing when it comes up. I want to forgive, and unforgiveness can hurt others as well as myself. I think more than anything I become afraid of getting hurt again, so I keep walls up. The bad thing is, those walls manifest in unforgiving tendencies and unhealthy defense mechanisms. I wage war against those who have hurt me because I don’t want them to hurt me again. I hide behind my walls of unforgiveness and throw insulting defense mechanisms at people before they can throw anything at me (which is sometimes just truth I don’t want to hear from those people). Please pray that admitting this will help me actually forgive people in my heart this time.

Also this week, I have been dealing with feelings for someone I thought I no longer had feelings for. I really wanted to make sure I have feelings for him for the right reasons, and that I am as intentional about things as I can be so no one gets hurt if they don’t have to be. This led me to start to unfold what has been in the back of my mind for a while. I knew that I still have unrealistic expectations for a relationship, but I did not know how to go about addressing and fixing it. I decided to make a list of all the things I expect and try to understand which are healthy expectations and which are selfish ones. After talking with a few close friends about it, the biggest things that I need to work on (however that looks) are starting over and knowing that being committed to someone is not better than being single, just different.
The first bothers me the most. The last committed relationship I was in got pretty serious fairly quickly, and for about two years marriage seemed like the only possible future. I don’t want to go into a relationship with someone with the mindset that we have to be married. I don’t want to date around, either though. There is a balance I have not yet found between being serious about WHO I am dating and being serious about the relationship. I want to follow God’s leading in all of this, but I can’t tell you it’s easy. I want to make sure I date someone who lives up to a certain standard without piling on unrealistic or selfish expectations. I am just not sure I know how to start over in the whole “getting to know a guy” thing. I don’t want to freak him out by being too serious, but I do take dating more seriously than I used to. I keep remembering this week that God wants us to wrestle with this stuff, to try to get it right, to put effort into doing things the way He wants us to.
The second bothers me still, but not as much anymore. I do enjoy being single, and some of the aspects of this life. The same can be said of being spoken for, though. I didn’t always enjoy being in a relationship. It is difficult to try to mesh your life with someone else’s, not matter how much you like the guy (or girl). Most probably, you were brought up a little differently, you have different ideas about life or the way some things should be done, you don’t always like everything about each other. There are good things about both times of life God has you in. Being single you have a lot more freedom, but it can feel lonely sometimes. Being in a relationship isn’t always as lonely, but I can tell you from experience the loneliness doesn’t just go away, and sometimes you can even feel smothered by the amount of time spent with the other person. Sometimes I still buy into the Disney “happily ever after” crap. I want it to be easy. I want to be in a place where all my troubles are gone and I am never sad again, but Jesus doesn’t promise us that in this life. And think about it, if you put that kind of expectation in a person, they are probably going to try to runaway eventually…wouldn’t you? Simply thinking and talking about reality in this case is helpful to changing my expectations. It’s that other one up there that’s going to take a whole lot of effort and prayer and awkwardness….

So, one person has responded to me, like, ever… Share your stories with me! Whatever you want. If you write short stories, or if you have prayer requests, or if you think I’m a big dummy and want to tell me, or you have something you want to talk about…. I’d love to hear from you! :)

This post is going to be boring. Seriously, you don’t need to read it 

Highlights of my boring week:

1. I got to see a friend at work that I haven’t worked with in a while

2. Settling into a normal friendship with the friend I over-reacted with and almost cut out of my life completely. *I will name him Ellen, for future reference

3. Hanging out with my firends

4. texting my friends boyfriend the name song (ishy, ishy, bo bishy, banananana fo fishy, me mi mo mishy….ishy!…sept I used his name) & he sent me back this: *i will use ishy, he used my actual name* “My name is ishy, my room’s always messy, I got a personality you can’t get, see? Try to mess and things’ll go crazy, I’ll punch till you go hazy and I’ll still be being lazy thinkin bout nail polish and daisies” 

5. I’m sure there were other things, it’s just been a slow week & that ^ was literally half of what I had in my journal this week

6. Saw Adam Bishop at school before school even started. He’s “kind of a celebrity.”

Things that would have made my week more interesting

1. Giving birth

2. Inventing something super awesome (or even mundane)

3. Winning Jeopardy 

4. Coming upon six miniature circus animals riding miniature bicycles 

5. Winning World’s Best Dad

6. Becoming part of an underground society where Bill Cosby is the President and I find out I am his daughter. 

Things that made today more interesting:

This picture of my friends and I 

I didn’t update last week because I left Sunday afternoon with the college group to go to Oakland/SF for a mission trip. 

BUT! that would not be chronological, so let’s look through the ol’ journal to see if there’s anything worth mentioning from the week before. 

Well, there is a lot of change happening in my life, and as most people I am close to know, I don’t do too well with too much change.  God has actually done quite a bit with my heart in this matter since moving out of my parents house about a year & a half ago.  Even so, there is a lot more going on right now than is usual in the change department of the Fish’s life, and I am having a hard time with it.  I would really appreciate it if you would all pray for me/with me as I pray for guidance and clarity.  I want to make sure the decisions I make are not irrational over-reactions to my feelings (we will talk more about my over-reactions in a sec.) 

I have felt pulled to spend more quiet time with God, and can feel the negative changes in my daily routine as I ignore God’s voice.  I don’t know why it is so hard for me to spend time reading and being with God.  I love reading, and used to be so motivated to have quiet time.  I need to get rid of some of the distractions in my life. Please pray that I hear Gods voice, that I learn to listen to Him, and that I ignore the stubbornness instead of ignoring God.  If you have been keeping up with this blog, you know what happens when I ignore God’s voice in my life. If you have not, refer back to June/July-ish.

Sunday morning at church last week was really difficult for me.  A lot of emotions were brought up, especially during worship. By the time the last song played (I’m not sure which one it was) I realized most of my emotion was linked to something I used to struggle with, & that had apparently wriggled its way back into my heart.  I am, in a way, a perfectionist.  I sometimes think I am not good enough because I am not the perfect Christian. Although this will always be a true statement for every person, the way it’s phrased, as well as the implications of that, are what is important.  

There are two things about the way it is phrased that makes it incorrect.  The first thing that is incorrect is the phrasing.  I feel like I need to be the perfect Christian to be good enough. The words “perfect Chrsitian” typically paint the picture for me of doing the right things and not doing the wrong ones.  Christ doesn’t want works, He wants your heart. He doesn’t want you to try to be the perfect Christian.  He wants you to be with him- in prayer, in silence, in awe, in pain, in apathy, in joy.  He wants your presence.  He is a living God and wants a living relationship with you.  Could you imagine just trying to do things to impress your best friend instead of spending time with them? I emphasize instead because I don’t want to confuse you.  God also does not want us just sitting around. As humans, we made the mess this world is in & we need to clean it up. The focus, however, needs to be on Christ first.  
The second part about that statement that is incorrect is where it ends.  The statement itself is true, but the focus is wrong and it can be misleading to our thoughts and actions.  My statement ended with “because I am not the perfect Christian.”  It should have continued, “but God calls us to allow His love to change us from the inside out.”  Christ died and rose again to have a relationship with us to heal our brokenness and show us how to love Him, ourselves, and everyone else, not so that we would feel insufficient and insignificant.   

All this to say, by the last song in church last week, I realized I need to turn back to Jesus. We were singing about giving all of ourselves to Jesus.  I realized I had somehow become afraid of doing that again.  I felt like I couldn’t possibly give Christ all of me, because I know I am imperfect & that I will take parts of my old ways back from Him.  I will continue to sin, I will continue to do the things I do not want to do. In Romans 7 Paul shares the same struggle: 

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.  So now it is not longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 

This does not give me an excuse to ignore my sin. God makes it abundantly clear that He takes sin very seriously. I share this passage because it shows that I am not alone.  It shows that my desire to do what is right, and my frustration with myself when I do not do what is right is understood.  As I prayed through the last song, I began to realize I had to try.  Just because I don’t feel like I can really give God all of me, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give Him as much as I can. A lot of times I don’t even know I am not giving parts of my sinful nature to Him to be healed. But if I give Him nothing, I go nowhere.  My relationship with Him does not grow, and neither will healthy relationships with my friends and family.  Please pray that I will learn to give a tiny bit more of myself to Jesus every day. Pray that I will learn to let go of the things that keep me from growing. 

The past week has been nothing short of interesting.  It feels like It has been three weeks…or months. Sunday afternoon we left for our mission trip.  We worked with a group called CSM (Center for Student Missions).  I was happy that I had the opportunity to see SF/Oakland in a different way.  We worked with a lot of organizations/day homes/ hospitals (*see my last post about Joe & B). We experienced a lot of aspects of the cities that seem to be overloooked by most toursits (typically what I am when I go there), and multiple groups of those in need.  We worked with all ages at one point or another.  God may be leading me to do more with CSM, and I am very open to it.  Please pray that God would lead me to a clear decision and what kind of action to take based on the decision I make.  

The biggest thing I got out of the trip was the realization that the kind of work they were doing there is truly where my heart is, and that I couldn’t live a different life.  I become frustrated with comfort, with not being stretched or grown.  I am too comfortable with the life I live now, and I know I couldn’t live this way forever.  The life I chose may leave some wondering about my sanity, and that’s ok :p Jesus was kind of crazy too, at least by our standards.  I can’t imagine living in a big house with all I’d ever want or need for the rest of my time here.  I don’t want that life.  I want to live the way Jesus did. I want to go wherever God tells me, I want to trust in God the way Jesus did.  I know I won’t get there in this life, but I can do my best. Please pray that I will do what God asks, because sometimes (a lot of the time) it seems too big, too impossible, too uncertain.  Pray that I will learn to hear Him over all the other voices in my life, and that I will trust Him over all the other people in my life.  Pray that I come to really understand and know that God is bigger than anything I could face, and that He will not bring me to something without bringing me through it.  

Ok, so I promised we would talk more about my over-reactiveness, so here we go. 

*NOT my favorite topic btw, but if we are going with transparency it needs to be said. 

I know I am emotional. Most of the time I am good with it.  I have come to a place in life where I understand my emotions pretty well (for the most part) and can deal with them effectively. Sometimes, however, I get into situations that feel utterly hopeless and “black-holeish.” (Do ya see the over-reactiveness yet?)  In my last singleness update I described two people I ended friendships with. The first I am still not talking with. The second is a bit more complicated, the one that felt hopeless & “black-holeish.”  

The second friend is the one I have feelings for.  The thing is, I don’t want to date this guy. I know it wouldn’t work out for a number of reasons, nor do I feel God is calling us together as more than friends.  Still, the feelings remain for now.  I over reacted when I finally was honest with myself about my feelings & felt like I had to stop talking to him.  I told him of my decision, and proceeded not to talk with him much for about a month. A couple of weeks ago a mutual friend of ours was talking to me about my decision, and helped me understand why it was not the best way to go.  He described it as “you swerved & missed the dog, but almost hit the tree.” He said that taking a good friendship out of my life was not a good idea, but setting up healthy boundaries & involving other friends is.  I thought about it & agreed with him.  I came to the conclusion that I was running from something good that can be a little distracting from my relationship with God (which is a lot of things in life, & if I ran from all of them I’d be living alone in the desert- also not what God calls us to), and I needed to instead turn to God and do more about focusing on Him. Please pray that my feelings for this friend would go away. Pray that I haven’t made things awkward (and that I don’t- I tend to try to fix things but end up making them worse). Please pray that we figure out how to navigate the friendship the best way, and that my focus will be on God above all else. 

And for real guys, send me your prayer requests & stuff too. I love reading about other peoples walks with God.  It is a big encouragement to me. You can be vague, like this: Please pray for some friends of mine who are going through a pretty rough time right now «actual prayer request. & you should even be able to do it anonymously (if you can’t, someone let me know please). 

p.s. If you are still wondering who the Fish is from the first part of this update, look at the name on the blog :D it’s me 

This is a story/ prayer taken/adapted from my journal about what happened on our last day with CSM this morning. * I will explain CSM and what we did there in my next update

I miss Joe. Not Bowles.

Today was our last day with CSM and we helped out a hospital with their dementia patients. They are referred to as residents and their hospital floors are referred to as their neighborhood. We were all assigned to hang out with one of the residents on our trip to the air museum. When we were told what kind of residents we would be working with, I couldn’t think of a more challenging condition than dementia. Watching someone slowly slip away into not knowing who they are or how to form a complete thought is one of the saddest and sariest things to me. I volunteered to hang out with Joe. He is a tall, dark skinned African American. He seemed to remember some things and had a vibrant personality. His face normally donned a sort of spacey, blank-stare, but when you got to talkin and jokin with him, he’d light up. His mouth would curl into a giant toothless smile, and his pale, foggy blueish eyes would shine. He told me about flying in a helicopter and putting out fires. He was a fire fighter in what seems like a very different and distant life. I wish I could have known him then, but I know that would have made today that much more difficult. I was holding back tears as it was…

We walked around looking at all the old planes and gadgets in the museum. The whole time I wanted to ask him to just tell me stories about his life, but was unsure of what he’d remember, and whether the stories were even true. I imagine they are, given that he seemed consistent in what he did remember. I want them to be true. I want him to have good memories about his life.

He told me, as he pointed to one of the older looking planes, “I got to ride in one of those when I was young.” I asked him how young he’d been when he got to ride in the plane. He thought about it for a minute and decided he was about 21-22 years old; about my age. We continued walking around, talking a little. Mostly I tried to point out how funny things looked or joke about how scary it would be to fly in some of the models without doors or roofs. At one point he commented on how sharp the suit on the mannequin was. I had commented earlier about how people used to dress so nicely to go out, and we agreed that people’s clothes and the planes and cars used to look nicer then than they do now.

Before we left, he tried out a simulation hover craft. He mostly crashed it into the ground, but everyone laughed and cheered him on. He seemed to have fun, but I couldn’t help feeling bad when he couldn’t make the craft fly on the screen. I think he enjoyed himself because when he was done he stepped off the simulator sort of quickly. It seemed he walked faster (a normal pace to mot of us) when he was interested in getting somewhere or excited about something.

I asked if he wanted to walk around more and he said no, he wanted to leave. We waited at the entrance with some of the group until everyone else shuffled over. Most of the group decided to go walk around the gift shop, but Joe was ready to take a break. We sat at a table and talked & joked a little more while we waited for the group to be done in the gift shop. Before too long we were joined by another girl from our group and B. B was beautiful. She had an expressive face, graceful eyes, and a perfect French braid in her silvery-white hair. Sheesh in a wheel chair and talked a lot. Most of what she said seemed to include made up words and usually trailed off in mumbled confusion. The girl from our group asked B if she knew Joe. She said, “No!” and her face went from content to an expression of not quite confusion, not quite concern, not quite alarmed. She has this sassy attitude about her, and would often laugh as if she knew what she said made no sense. It wasn’t the sort of laugh that said “I’m embarrassed.” It reminded me more of a goofy, slightly buzzed woman.

B and Joe talked while my friend and I listened and chimed in from time to time. It seemed as if they each had four different conversations, none of them with each other. At one point Joe said to B, “Oh, that’s right, you like to fly airplanes!” B’s face contorted to the same “not quite” look she expressed when she decided earlier that she didn’t know who Joe was. At another point in the conversation, B raised her hands in the air and shimmied a little. She said to Joe, “You come over here and I’ll show you…” I couldn’t make out the last part of what she said, but she smiled and winked at me when she said it. I’m not sure Joe even heard her, and their conversation continued in the same way until the bus pulled around front to take them back to the neighborhood.

They were fun to sit with and talk to, even if the conversation had not structure or direction. Joe would say something and I’d respond with “There ya go!”. He’d laugh and say “There I go!” for the hour or so that we were there, he made sure to ask if I was cold, and he’d tell me if he was cold. He asked a few times where we were, and I’d tell him we were at the airplane museum close to San Fransisco. He would smile his toothless smile, and we would keep walking.

When we got back to the neighborhood and they unloaded the residents from the bus, I asked Joe how the ride back was. His face lit up the same way it did whenever I’d ask him anything and he said it was good. I walked with him back inside. When we got there, he kept walking to the back of the room, turned the corner and was gone. I guess he was done for the day and ready to go back to his room. That was the last I saw of him. By the time we left to head back to pack and leave, I didn’t know if he remembered me.

I don’t know how much longer Joe will be alive, but I pray he knows You. I pray I see him in heaven standing next to You along with all the other blessings I will meet in this life. If he’s still there in the summer and I get to go back, I’d love to see him. I want to go back every week and hang out with him. It’s weird how one hour with a person can have such an impact.

Please pray that my new friends in the neighborhood know Jesus, so I will see them when I die, but mostly so they will see Jesus when they die. Please pray for the neighborhood and the people working to provide quality of life for the residents. Please pray for CSM and what they do in the Bay Area. Please pray for what God wants you to do, where He wants you to go, how He wants you to make a difference. If you pray for these things, be open to God’s answer. It often looks different from what we are already doing, and from what we might want it to be. But it is always worth it.