You cannot fill this void. I cannot ask you to. I’ve tried in vain to let you be what you cannot be. What once was seen as struggle has transformed into choice, liberating for one, and for another, heartbreaking. Sitting restlessly somewhere between peace and insanity I cry out to Him “please take this cup from me…” Not out of the friend zone, yet not truly just friends, I end up with labels like “best friend” and “closest to me.” Wanting to be more and less simultaneously, fighting to find footing on the balance beam neither too far left nor too right, writing poems you may never see, trying to air out the emotion overwhelming, and yet it’s not enough. Only time can unwind the ever so crowded thoughts in my mind, trying to follow His will instead of mine as words like “lonely” and “patient” don’t seem to really describe the bipolar waves of feelings crashing over each other inside me. Wanting you to change your mind, to be mine, but at the same time to fail, to break my frail heart, so that I will see how broken I already am, so that I will fully understand the desperation in my situation, so that I will see the need for His grace to surround me, to cover all of my insecurities, all of my inequities, all of my insanity so that I can see His love above my desire for yours.
Only You can fill this void. Yet I cannot ask of You what You’ve already freely given. I try in vain to be good enough, to be something I cannot be. Your lifelong struggle was always Your choice, life-giving for those who turn to You, and for the others, my heart is breaking. Pacing restlessly somewhere between peace and insanity I try to comprehend what it really means that you bore that cup for me… Back and forth between the frying pan and the fire, I try to fix my problems with “I’ll try harder” and “Maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away.” Struggling to be more and less simultaneously, I look to You to find footing on the balance beam neither too close to legalism, nor too far from grace, trying to let Your love be overwhelming because I know that You will always be enough. In time I will unwind the binding thoughts in my mind, freeing myself to follow Your will and abandon mine, letting go of the bipolar waves of “lonely” and “patient” so Your love can fill everything inside me. Forever changing my mind, falling back from Your will to follow mine, and every time failing, watching my frail heart breaking, coming to the end of me, seeing how broken I really am, understanding the desperation in my situation I cry out for Your grace to surround me, covering all the lies of insecurities, inequities, insanity, allowing You to strengthen my love for you above my desire for anything else.